


the quiet things that no one ever knows

by majesdane



Category: Degrassi the Next Generation
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-02-14
Updated: 2008-02-14
Packaged: 2017-11-08 01:54:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/437828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/majesdane/pseuds/majesdane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Alex isn't quite sure that she should be doing this.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	the quiet things that no one ever knows

you make me happier than everything else, when we render melodies with our guitars and lungs. i could spend all day in our maddening dresses; our process transgresses like slow honey on bark, but we prefer it that way. we are alike. we are unafraid. we're the kind of thing that's concrete and solid and meant to stay.

you make me happier than all other things, like we're all kings and queens. remember that sweet movie we saw, that night in the dark? i thought maybe you would make a move - i kind of wanted you to. on my way home i stopped to buy some tofu and it was there i realized how i wish i saw everything as beautiful. you make me want to be better.

\--- jennifer schmohe.

 

 

There's a warm body pressed up against her right now, and Alex isn't quite sure that she should be doing this.

It's not like they're doing anything wrong, not really; they're just two friends sharing the couch for a night. There's absolutely no harm in that; people do it all the time. Except, when Paige rolls over and reaches out blindly in her sleep and tugs Alex closer, sighing softly, Alex's head spins and her heart races, and that's not how things should be between two friends. She contemplates getting up, telling Paige that she has to go home, running a million different excuses through her mind running, all of which seem incredibly lame. She shifts, uncomfortably, and it wakes Paige.

"Mm, Lexi," Paige murmurs, still half-asleep, and tucks her head against Alex's shoulder. And suddenly, the fact that there's someone in a graduate apartment at Toronto University probably wondering why Alex didn't call tonight, like she'd promised, fades away, and all Alex can think about is how warm Paige is, and how this feels just a bit too familiar.

And she knows she really shouldn't be doing this right now, but she's thinking back to that time last year, when, during lunch, Paige decided that she wanted to draw on Alex's sneakers. And she's thinking back to how Paige drew the heart so carefully on the toe, and how before Alex even realized it, Paige had added _PM + AN_ in the center.

 _Always_ , she'd said.

And now she's lying here beside Alex, an arm draped around her waist, and even though Alex knows nothing will come of this, and she knows that this doesn't mean anything, she can't help but be hopeful. She can't help but wonder if Paige really does mean it, that when she said that she wanted Alex to stay, she was really just trying to say _I still love you_ , but just not being able to say the words.

Alex is still in love with Paige.

She knows this - she's known it for a long time. If she had been asked, when the break-up first happened, if she regretted it, she would have said no. Paige was going off to Banting and Alex was just going to be here, in Toronto, slowly going nowhere. It wouldn't have been fair top Paige to keep holding on to something that was slowly destroying them. It wouldn't have been fair to either of them, really, because Paige would have been gone, and Alex would have been far too jealous, been too afraid that some new boy - or, even worse, girl - at Banting would come along and sweep Paige off her feet. And then Paige would forget about Alex and her plans to do nothing after graduation. And she would just _forget_ ; forget about Alex being fired; their first kiss after the premiere; Alex's alcoholic mother; the first time Alex said the words 'I love you,' in a context that wasn't sex-related.

But they broke up, because Paige was going places and Alex wasn't, because Alex couldn't commit where Paige could, because Alex knew that a commitment would only drag Paige down in the long run. And she loved her far too much to want to make things worse - she knew things would fall apart in the end, they would - and they were still both just kids and it just couldn't work. She knew that then, and she knows that now, but right now she's regretting more than anything that she left Paige standing alone in the mall that day, fighting back tears and the urge to turn around, to run back to Paige and say it was all a lie, that she'd never leave her.

Only, things hadn't worked out like that. She'd walked out on Paige and so Paige had walked out on her; she went to Banting and started a whole new life for herself. She visited - what, once? - before tonight, and when she did stop by to talk to Alex, it was just because she wanted to brag about how perfect her new Banting life was. And sure, she asked about Alex, asked her if she was seeing anyone, but she wasn't really paying attention. She didn't even realize that she'd hurt Alex by saying that Alex couldn't change.

She had changed, hadn't she?

High school was all about living for the moment. It was the here and now that mattered to her. The future wasn't important; she'd already accepted a long time ago that she wasn't destined for fancy universities, graduate degrees, and sports cars. And Paige wanted all of that and a family and a house with a white picket fence to boot, and Alex just couldn't understand that. She thinks that maybe she understands it now, thinks that maybe she's finally starting to get it. Of course, she hasn't got her whole life planned out like Paige, but she has _direction_ now, or so she thinks, and that's at least a step in the right direction.

Paige murmurs something in her sleep; Alex can't make out what she's saying. Paige settles in closer, and Alex can't help but hold her tighter, because Paige's lips look much too soft and Alex can feel Paige's warm breath on her cheek, and she thinks that she might die.

She imagines leaning in and pressing her lips against Paige's and she wonders what would happen if she did.

And then there's Carla to think about, and _God_ she can't believe that she's become one of _those_ people, that she's become the type of person who falls in love with Paige when she's _supposed_ to be in love with Carla. Only, she doesn't love Carla (though she tries), because she only ever imagines Paige's lips when they kiss and it's Paige's name she almost cried out the other night when she came, Carla's fingers moving roughly against her. And it's _not_ fair, and it _wouldn't_ be fair to do this to Carla, because Carla's sweet and cute and funny and everything Alex was so sure that Paige was not. And that's the part that hurts the most; she tried so hard to distance herself from Paige.

And she keeps pushing away, and Paige keeps pulling her back. And then once she's drawn Alex in, _she's_ the one to push away. And they go around forever in this stupid little game, because Alex still loves Paige (of course she does), but she doesn't want to say that, because she's the one who ended things in the first place. And she knows that that really doesn't matter, but she's too prideful to ever admit that she was the wrong one. And just like she'll never admit that she was wrong, Paige'll never admit that she still needs Alex (even if she really doesn't).

Alex kisses her lightly, so lightly that she's quite sure that Paige doesn't even feel it, because she doesn't stir, even when Alex pulls away, heart racing and feeling worse than ever. Alex is still in love with her, and Paige doesn't even realize it. She doesn't see the way Alex watches her out of the corners of her eyes, she doesn't feel Alex's racing heart against her chest, doesn't feel the warm breath against her cheek and the gentle kiss upon her lips.

But it's always been like this, hasn't it?


End file.
